RV Station

Sometimes it crushes me

The weight of social expectations
Of smiles I don't feel
Of interactions I dread
Of conversations I can't cherish 

Of not being comfortable but still trying to appear so 
this mental roller coaster, this constant to and fro
Between 
I can do this, it's just people, be myself, be real
And 
I can't do this, its people, how can I be myself when it's so revolting, so unreal 
To them

I don't think of me when I think of them
I stand with my back to myself
I mirror their words and form preferences 
Theirs
Maybe

And all this time behind me, the insecurities dissolve into themselves, 
burning, bubbling, and morphing into something
Not new
Just bigger, darker, worse 
Dangerous 

By the time I turn
My mind has burned
Into itself; collapsed, its hurt 
My body feels that pain, my chest, my heart
I breathe shallow, like I have been sinking
Just let it go, pause, stop

But I can't stop thinking

I am harder on me, harsher, 
The weight on me has gotten heavier 
Sometimes, it crushes me.